I have always had a tendency to ruin things with people I really care about. I struggle with my feelings and try and hide them until they get found out then I run away from it, I have just ruined something recently.
I really liked someone and was kind of unsure on what type of relationship we both had and what we meant to each other which was something that was bothering me for sometime. I have a hard time addressing people when It comes to honest conversation and the thought of not knowing where I actually stand with someone is somewhat crushing to me. Lately I haven’t been myself and I’ve been down a lot on my self image thinking it’s everyone else’s fault why I feel the way I do so I instantly cut them out of my life cos I think it’s the most easiest escape route. It’s not. Getting drunk then taking it out on everyone ISN’T the best option either. Alcohol is the route of evil and isn’t the answer which I’ve learnt this week.
It takes me a long time to open up to people and when I do It always goes wrong.
I have learned one lesson, and it’s to be honest. Even if he doesn’t speak to me again he has taught me that.
It’s not you it’s me, a cliche line which is somewhat so relatable right now.
From the beginning of my life I wanted to make something of myself, but why? The pressure to be something other than yourself is something of a false reality or hope. Dreams of becoming a pop star were always big dreams I had whilst a young girl tripping over in mums heels, To me my mother was a pop star, nice hair and make-up and I’d always hope she’d let me borrow them willingly rather than me sneaking the little treasures to my room to experiment. I tried so hard from a young age to be something else. But what is this need of wanting to be something you’re not?
It’s a tough love and something you have to grow to accept from child through to adulthood, but that’s a cynical way of looking at it.
Yes, We all have aspirations to get there but some of us don’t have these sorts of superpowers to achieve what we’d like too, things get in the way such as living in a run down town with very little creative influence or at least inspiring us to become something other than a person in a run of the mill job regretting our life choices. Life should be full of regrets, it shows you’ve lived and undergone learning curves which give you life skills which will help you grow as a person, good or bad every experience is a valuable one.
Something should get you out of bed in the morning it can be from the most simple of pleasures, that warm bowl of porridge or the fact you’ll be achieving something. Any reason that gets you excited about waking up should be positive one, and if it isn’t try and see the positive In it. You may not become the pop-star you used to dream of whilst young but you can be the best of yourself which is much more self rewarding. If you have a dream though, chase it. As cliché as that sounds you should think of yourself , its okay to be selfish. Think of your dream as your own, make the dream a reality and to be put simply go for it as only you can get there.
The only pressure in life I believe should be your own pressure, not influenced by the society that has become corrupted leading us to be tricked into believing what is wrong, what is right and the socially acceptable, at 21 year old i’d like to think I the maturity to decide for myself. I rarely watch TV or read magazines- willingly. I don’t want to be fed information and lately I’ve learned to accept people as they are without judgement. In life there isn’t a wrong and right lifestyle choice, I seek admiration in those people the ones with goals to be president or even the ones with crazy hair that walk down the street care free. Those people are true to themselves something i’d much rather be than any Pop-star.