Today was a luxury to me, usually I can’t sit still or sit down and properly relax but today is Saturday. I actually relaxed today and had breakfast in bed listening to Regina Spektor, something I haven’t done in ages and today’s breakfast in bed menu includes a hearty bowl of oats with currents and a little sprinkle of sugar with the addition of a vanilla latte- I bought some good coffee and coffee syrup yesterday which I was so excited about, I’m a coffee snob.
I also had a presentation this week at Uni which I had to do on my own which for someone with social anxiety was a challenge but…….. I DID IT and felt super good afterwards despite my friend telling me I spoke at the speed of light!
I have always had a tendency to ruin things with people I really care about. I struggle with my feelings and try and hide them until they get found out then I run away from it, I have just ruined something recently.
I really liked someone and was kind of unsure on what type of relationship we both had and what we meant to each other which was something that was bothering me for sometime. I have a hard time addressing people when It comes to honest conversation and the thought of not knowing where I actually stand with someone is somewhat crushing to me. Lately I haven’t been myself and I’ve been down a lot on my self image thinking it’s everyone else’s fault why I feel the way I do so I instantly cut them out of my life cos I think it’s the most easiest escape route. It’s not. Getting drunk then taking it out on everyone ISN’T the best option either. Alcohol is the route of evil and isn’t the answer which I’ve learnt this week.
It takes me a long time to open up to people and when I do It always goes wrong.
I have learned one lesson, and it’s to be honest. Even if he doesn’t speak to me again he has taught me that.
It’s not you it’s me, a cliche line which is somewhat so relatable right now.
From the beginning of my life I wanted to make something of myself, but why? The pressure to be something other than yourself is something of a false reality or hope. Dreams of becoming a pop star were always big dreams I had whilst a young girl tripping over in mums heels, To me my mother was a pop star, nice hair and make-up and I’d always hope she’d let me borrow them willingly rather than me sneaking the little treasures to my room to experiment. I tried so hard from a young age to be something else. But what is this need of wanting to be something you’re not?
It’s a tough love and something you have to grow to accept from child through to adulthood, but that’s a cynical way of looking at it.
Yes, We all have aspirations to get there but some of us don’t have these sorts of superpowers to achieve what we’d like too, things get in the way such as living in a run down town with very little creative influence or at least inspiring us to become something other than a person in a run of the mill job regretting our life choices. Life should be full of regrets, it shows you’ve lived and undergone learning curves which give you life skills which will help you grow as a person, good or bad every experience is a valuable one.
Something should get you out of bed in the morning it can be from the most simple of pleasures, that warm bowl of porridge or the fact you’ll be achieving something. Any reason that gets you excited about waking up should be positive one, and if it isn’t try and see the positive In it. You may not become the pop-star you used to dream of whilst young but you can be the best of yourself which is much more self rewarding. If you have a dream though, chase it. As cliché as that sounds you should think of yourself , its okay to be selfish. Think of your dream as your own, make the dream a reality and to be put simply go for it as only you can get there.
The only pressure in life I believe should be your own pressure, not influenced by the society that has become corrupted leading us to be tricked into believing what is wrong, what is right and the socially acceptable, at 21 year old i’d like to think I the maturity to decide for myself. I rarely watch TV or read magazines- willingly. I don’t want to be fed information and lately I’ve learned to accept people as they are without judgement. In life there isn’t a wrong and right lifestyle choice, I seek admiration in those people the ones with goals to be president or even the ones with crazy hair that walk down the street care free. Those people are true to themselves something i’d much rather be than any Pop-star.
Okay so i’m not a dating expert, I’ve had literally the worst luck with guys and always end up questioning ‘whats wrong with me?’ (and my sanity) and It turns out it’s nothing I’ve directly done (SOBER) I must stress this though, i’m not saying i’m perfect, I have so many flaws but i’m learning to accept them now as it makes me who I am. I’m a unbelievably awkward person at first glance/encounter but beneath it I can be hilarious and crazy- But in the best way.
I have a hard time accepting myself for who I am, one day i’ll like how I look and the remainder days i’ll just try and cover up every mirror and hide away. I don’t know why I’m always seeking for acceptance or perfection, cos the anti-climax of life has it’s way of not existing.
Learning to accept yourself is the first rule, the next is up to you to show the person who you are so they like you for you. I know at first usually people try to be the best of themselves, so the person who you are meeting for a date for example only see’s that. I think this is just false advertisement as it only shows this ‘BEST’ side, i’m not saying that you have to reveal all of yourself but your true colours should make some sort of appearance.
The second I’ve learned is to say how you are actually feeling. For example I met a guy a while ago and I became friends with them and they liked me too, which you think would be perfect.
But for me, if someone likes me I have this tendency to run away from it. The thought of it scares me so much, So i run away and then when I’ve realized that I’ve pushed the person away they either get sick of my ways or they’ve given up on me. Sad but true, and this is something I’ve tried to change. Especially lately when meeting someone new the best thing I could of done was to tell them how I felt, make sure you’re sober doing it though as the time I did….lets just say there wasn’t much alcohol left (or dignity)
A good ol’ cringey conversation about feelings can also give your love interest and idea of honesty and also you will know where you stand with them.
Don’t be afraid of how you feeling, take me for example and you’ll end up losing them.
I’m Natasha a 21 year old strange gurl living in a little one bed flat, I study Fashion marketing at Uni and i’m in my final year (YES I DID IT!) this blog is basically a food journal featuring food recipes, hopefully interviews with other food loving people, and of course FOOD PORN FOR THE EYES.
Most of what i’ll be posting will be of the healthy variety and some posts treats that make life that little bit better, besides food and such I will include some bits of my life too.
I enjoy, French films, food (duh), long baths with lots of bubbles, cats and other fluffy things, cocktails and music (AND FALAFEL)